What do I think about in the early hours of the morning when I can't sleep? This morning, I was seeking the underlying feeling I have about being depressed. What is contributing to my malaise?
- I have less than 20 years left in my life. Most likely, I have less than 10. Probably, I have about five?
- I am losing my hearing, losing my eyesight, losing my ability to concentrate,, losing my memory (just to name the most annoying symptoms of my old age).
- I have a clearer understanding of what life is all about: the biological, genetic, evolutionary circumstances of my life. I am a miracle! As is every other living organism on this planet!
- I understand the insignificance of my life in the "short run" of, say, 1,000 years, and the insignificance of all human life on a geological time scale of tens of millions of years.
- I understand that my perceptions have changed since I was younger. Writing about myself has helped me realize what a different person I have become over my lifetime. But this also reminds me that my perceptions are not fixed, and fluctuate more than I can know, making them unreliable for me to draw too many conclusions from my own life.
- I appreciate the scientific method as a way to communicate and remember that which is relatively stable and independent of a human perspective. But the method is notoriously poorly applied to the parts of the world that remain in flux (things like history, sociology, anthropology, art, language).
- I understand that the past, present, and future are ways of perceiving the world. The present is the only one of these that has any certainty, and even that is subject to interpretation. The past is constructed of imagined memories (outside of the geologic or astronomical record, which avail themselves of the scientific method). The future is entirely imaginary.
Interestingly, my wife and I have been binging Game of Thrones, which does a pretty good job of demonstrating the error of believing we understand history, or believing that "I" have "a very important role" to play.
All this leaves me with a quandary: what am I to do to make the world a better place now. Making the world a better place has always been important to me. It's a variation of my camping mantra: "Leave the campsite better than you found it."
So in my later years, I've started writing about how I went about doing just that.
But I must be careful about spending too much time in the past. Spending time in my memories gets easier. Every year I put behind me means the ratio of past to future years grows smaller and smaller (reaching zero with my death).
And I must be careful about spending too much time in the future. Working on projects that I cannot complete before I die, projects that will not be continued by anyone else after I die, are a waste of time. Letting go has become the byline of everything I do!
In particular, I struggle with "wasting my time" writing stories about my past. Who cares? Unfortunately, the only ones who might care are likely not aware that they will care, or they may not even be born yet.
So I come back to thinking about (and writing about) the ten most important things I would like to pass on to the future? (This is in addition to my genetic legacy, my children, for whom I have already invested a great deal of work). Let's just try writing free-form, as the ideas flow...
- My life, and its legacy, is infinitely small in the vastness of time and space. But it is not zero! I choose to believe it may be infinitely important (in a humble sort of way).
- I am able to perceive options and make choices. Perhaps this is an illusion, but to me, my options and my choices, are not. I owe it, to all that went into my creation over the past two billion years, to bring forth my options as I imagine them, and choose the best option, however I define "best".
- I recognize the complexity of humanity, how our survival is intertwined with each other and our environment. With this recognition comes the perception that I am one of many, that others like myself are just a important as I am. I have to remember that I am genetically programmed to think primarily of myself. My choices are strongly influenced by this recognition with all manner of "silver/golden/platinum rule".
- I build my compassion for others with the mind experiment of: "What if I was born in their shoes?"
- I commit to making the world a better place. I may not accurately perceive or deduce what that means, but I will do my best.
- Mistakes are necessary to learn. In my most productive times, my mistake rate maximized my learning rate.
- Making mistakes means I must make space for the errors, mine and those around me, with learning and forgiving.
- I have had to work hard to find a place for fun and play in my life. I tend to be too judgemental, which only discourages a willingness to make mistakes. As a child, play had very low costs of making mistakes. I work to keep my playful childish joy and astonishment at the world around me. This has helped me take a more curious, risk-taking stance on major decisions.
- I am not too worried about what others think of me. Because I have taken risks since my youth, and survived, I am more confident and independent. This frees me from the yoke of expectations.
- Money is only one of the ways I measure my success. Money represents what others think of me (their evaluation of my worth). Since I don't pay myself, my self worth will not be in terms of money. Instead, I keep clear about what is important to me. What do I want to be the summary of my life? What do I want on my gravestone?
Well, that's ten off the top of my head, this morning, before I put on my makeup...
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